Just keeping it real…

Me

{photo taken in summer of 2007}

It has been many months, if not years, since I felt beautiful, feminine, or truly special.

I seem to go into a low grade sort of depression when pregnant in which I am disenchanted with the world.

I have the temper of three redheads combined.

The morning  all-day sickness that haunted me in my last pregnancy seems to have set in already.

I have a mad craving deep-fried chicken fingers.

Oh and salad & fruit.

Lets hope the salad and fruit cravings lasts.

I cut my hair in a fit of annoyance yesterday and I think it may have been a mistake because the 15 pounds that still clings to me from the last pregnancy is all in my face.

We found out I was pregnant the day after beginning work on my New Year's resolution to lose 30 pounds.

Oh the irony.

So that's where I'm at today.

Wishing it were different, but hoping tomorrow will be better.

peace.

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17 Comments

  1. Posted January 14, 2010 at 6:55 pm by Desiree Fawn | Permalink

    Sorry you’re feeling all bummy — this whole wintry depression can’t be helping much. Hopefully things will perk up once the sun starts shining more — today was such a beautiful day!

  2. Posted January 14, 2010 at 7:18 pm by Annette | Permalink

    Erin, thanks so much for sharing. I’m not pregnant but you’re not alone in feeling like excrement- (I am personally assailed with virulent self-doubt and widespread disenchantment lately) and I am sure many more of us can relate to feeling shite in our own ways. Hopefully Mercury going direct tomorrow will take off some of the load. Hair grows back. Resolutions can be revisited post baby-brewing. You are totally, totally special by the way, temper or not, this I know for sure.

  3. Posted January 14, 2010 at 7:18 pm by Christie | Permalink

    Find some sunshine! It’s the best medicine. As for the morning sickness, consider trying bubble gum. The normal double bubble stuff you buy for a penny. (or you used to). I had morning sickness so bad, even certain sounds would send me hurling. That bubble gum would calm my stomach and my nerves, no kidding! I wasn’t a gun chewer by nature but it worked!!! Good luck and I hope you feel better soon. Love the picture!

  4. Posted January 14, 2010 at 7:42 pm by Old Recipe for a New World | Permalink

    Ah, now all those felt eggs and nests makes sense. I’ve always thought the pictures you posted showed a very lovely woman…I think that’s an adjustment we have to make after babies, understanding that our beauty is of a more mature, full faced nature. Oh what a tender time for you–be gentle with yourself and eat and sleep and laugh at every opportunity.
    ~Kyce

  5. Posted January 14, 2010 at 7:53 pm by hillary | Permalink

    I had a rough time acclimating to this pregnancy, too. ((((Hugs))))) It seemed right when I made the commitment to move forward with personal projects and career goals I got pregnant (surprise!). I’m feeling much better about it now that 1st trimester is past and I’ve had time to settle into it, but the best advice I received from a loving friend was to let my feelings be okay. Whatever I felt was perfectly how I needed to feel and that permission felt so good.
    I know you’ll find your way through, too.
    Congratulations and bright blessings sweet mama.

  6. Posted January 14, 2010 at 9:20 pm by Kelly | Permalink

    I struggle with pregnancy too. I’m trying my best to enjoy this one in case it’s our last but it’s been hard. Let me know if you come up with a solution.

  7. Posted January 14, 2010 at 9:39 pm by JLE | Permalink

    I read your blog often and enjoy it, but this post got me to write a comment. Keeping it real is indeed the real deal. I’m currently 8 mos pregnant with babe #3, and find myself feeling mostly negative thoughts although I’d like to get centered somewhere more positive. Pregnancy is not always a breeze. Please know that lots of other women are feeling just like you. May your blog, your beautiful babe, and your family keep reminding you just how beautiful you really are…even if we don’t look like we did pre-babes.

  8. Posted January 14, 2010 at 11:44 pm by heather | Permalink

    your friend annette is a good friend. i like what she said. i had the nausea for so long each time. debilitating for me it was. it passes, yeah? i like to think of it now, as a powerful shaking of the mother’s system to adjust to the shift and change happening inside her to bring this new life in. i envisioned my nausea with olive as me on the sea, journeying to a far far away land to find her, and then journeying back, with the most sacred of souls that i had retrieved. i was simply sea sick from the epic journey. it’s epic, this pregnancy journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Posted January 15, 2010 at 10:38 am by Kellen | Permalink

    I love and follow this blog regularly. I just had to say, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. 15weeks today still nauseous at all times. Spent the holidays with no energy and no motivation. There are hundreds of things people will suggest but for me? time to be okay feeling sad, angry, lost, sick. This is the fourth time I have done this. It has been harder each time. Focus on you right now. be kind to you. My midwife informed me that this initial time just “stinks” and I have to agree. One thing that helps me the most with all range of my emotions is cool outside air on my face. The only thing so far. I put my littlest in the stroller and I can be walking at a snail pace but somehow I feel a tiny bit better. More than anything I wanted you to know you are not alone. A friend told me recently that maybe the initial part of pregnancy is hard because it is the time that our energy and the energy of this new babe are mingling. This can be difficult sometimes. That made me feel a little better.
    Hope you have a wonderful day.

  10. Posted January 16, 2010 at 8:21 am by Andrea Kidssweet | Permalink

    A friend sent this to me on facebook today. It seems destined for you.
    “You are a phenomenal woman, a beautiful mother, doing an extraordinary job, making things happen for those you love, and although you might not always feel it, you are loved and appreciated!!”
    Short hair is easy and cute. I love the curls.

  11. Posted January 16, 2010 at 1:12 pm by Kristine | Permalink

    One midwife suggested eating a little bit every hour – I found my (all the time) sickness was worse the longer I went without eating.
    I found my second pregnancy the most emotionally challenging. I remember eating a lot of peanut M&Ms (not so good…) – cold raspberry leaf and mint tea was a healthier choice in my third! : )
    I always felt really fat in the first trimester, just bloated and bigger, but no beautiful big belly yet. Maybe it’s like that for you, too.
    Wishing you a smile and warmth for your heart
    K.

  12. Posted January 16, 2010 at 8:47 pm by mary | Permalink

    Erin- first- congratulations! on your way to your big holiday family that you spoke about :) second- you are beautiful! I know we havent met, but I feel like I know you a bit from reading your blog for a while and our messaging. your honesty is so refreshing and it is through that which i could see your true self which is truly beautiful. and third- throw that scale out the window! I know, I know… but I went through the same torture through my second pregnancy and after his birth and just chose about a week or two into his new life to ditch the scale and I have never been happier! It does not mean to abandon your health and vitality, but to know that you are so much more than those numbers and that you can make healthy choices in your life and you are still successful regardless of what the numbers add up to be. Sorry if I sound preachy, please forgive, I just know exactly how you feel and have been there (and sometimes still go there…) and you have been on my mind ever since I read this… much love coming from me to you and another big congratulations! -Mary

  13. Posted January 18, 2010 at 12:54 pm by ||| laura frantz ||| | Permalink

    The child-bearing season of our lives is so full of self-sacrifice that it’s a wonder that any bit of who we are remains when we finally emerge from the baby times. But you will emerge, and your remnant will grow more beautiful and stronger than ever.

  14. Posted January 18, 2010 at 1:30 pm by Glenn | Permalink

    Erin, you are so beautiful! The picture of you today is just plain gorgeous. I am excited for another beautiful baby for your sweet family. You will not believe how much your heart will stretch in its ability to love!

  15. Posted January 18, 2010 at 4:05 pm by ashley inzer | Permalink

    I cannot begin to know what it feels like to carry a child. But I do know that I am so excited for you and for the new life that you will be bringing into the world. Gosh that just sounds so amazing to me…you get to create a whole new life! What a beautiful gift!

  16. Posted January 21, 2010 at 9:32 am by Tasha | Permalink

    Dear Erin–Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you can come to be easy on yourself and your body. You always look beautiful in your photos–and your family looks happy–how fortunate!! You have some time ahead of you to work on your physique–but for now, I hope you can enjoy the growing voluptuousness of your body. I am sorry for your all-day sickness. I do hope that it dissipates soon. In the meantime, I wish you peace of mind–and hope you get some well-deserved rest!xoxo…

  17. Posted January 31, 2010 at 2:20 pm by handmadecharlotte | Permalink

    IT is sooooo hard!!!! I have 2 weeks to go! i can not wait!!!! the entire weight gain thing is VERY hard for me 2! i like fitting into my jeans! ugggh and with all the spring dresses everyone is posting! it will be over and we can laugh at these times! RIGHT? congrats!

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