finding balance

wearing gramma’s shoes

Wearing blue and grey to match this liquid, navy day. 
I am still stumbling around in motherhood.
Trying to find our rhythm.
I just can’t seem to get my footing with this transition.
Whoever told me the transition from one to two was much easier than zero to one had it all wrong.
How does one person give both a nineteen month old and a six week old everything they need without always letting the other down?
When is there time to be a woman and lover?

potty poppy

When I lay between two softly scented babes and kiss their tiny fingers, every frustration melts away and I promise myself I will be better tomorrow.  I am always the last to fall into sleep’s lap and have been moved to tears when I look at my slumbering loves.

I recently watched a video {though I can’t remember who the speaker was or even where I found it} in which motherhood was compared to that of watching grass grow.  Everyday seems much like the one before it, but big things are happening in front of and because of us.  We lay in bed wondering what the hell we accomplished that day to make us so tired, but can barely name a few things.  We’re maintaining and for our husbands/partners to come home to a house that is still standing is nothing short of a miracle.

silas sleeping despite the Thanksgiving noise

So that is where I am at; survival and maintenance.  There is still no other job I would rather be doing; I have never felt such a complete and utter joy as when I look at my children and husband.  Yet when we give everything to those we love, it can become an excuse to stop looking at and giving to ourselves. 

you wouldthink he sleeps a lot by these photos wouldn’t you?

So here I am seeking balance and rhythm on the other side of pregnancy, licking my battle wounds and wondering who I am.  I have thirty five pounds to lose.  Scars and stretchmarks are my badges of honour.  I barely recognize the chubby girl in the mirror.  I am trying to figure out what I must let go of and what I must cling to. 

My days are lacking structure and I don’t know how to incorporate it yet.  I have ordered this book in hopes of finding writing inspiration and recording these precious days and years to come; this book in hopes of finding balance in our days; and this book in hopes of finding fun activities for Poppy as the cold months move in upon us. I am also looking into some of the guides offered at Little Acorn Learning on adding celebration and routine to each day.

Yoga, jogging, baking, knitting, and writing are the things calling to me of late, but if I had to pick just two to carve time out for it would be jogging and writing.  That and a quiet, candlelit evening spent with Mike while sipping amaretto.

go gently & be wonderful

e.

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10 Comments

  1. Posted October 14, 2010 at 2:57 pm by Lesa McMahon | Permalink

    I'm not really sure that we ever really find our footing… it seems that the best we can do is learn to fly. 😉

    Hoping you feel more at peace with it all soon.

  2. Posted October 14, 2010 at 3:04 pm by Brittany | Permalink

    *sigh*
    i am…well, i'm feeling the exact same way, only for different reasons. happy but so exhausted.
    good luck to you and you're beautiful family. it will all flow together in time. <3

  3. Posted October 14, 2010 at 3:17 pm by Dawn | Permalink

    Beautifully written. You captured those early, wonderful, hard days of motherhood so well. I felt like I was brought back in time while I was reading this, to those first days when I brought my son home from the hospital and was struggling to take care of two.

  4. Posted October 14, 2010 at 5:10 pm by Monked & Fifed | Permalink

    You are beautiful…so honest.
    There must be something in the universe just now bc I have been feeling, also, so full of love, yet also so pulled at the seams amongst my 3 littles. What we want to be and what we can be need to find a compromise! So nice to know you are not alone.
    Have a wonderful weekend…enjoy every one of those snuggles!
    a.

  5. Posted October 15, 2010 at 12:50 pm by Desiree Fawn | Permalink

    Lovely post <3 Your writing is wonderful.
    We are definitely struggling to find routine, our footing and rhythm. I'm currently reading Seven Times the Sun and I think it's going to help.

    Lots of love!

  6. Posted October 15, 2010 at 1:04 pm by Kate | Permalink

    Don't forget to be gentle with yourself! Survival and maintenance is exactly where you are and that house still standing at the end of the day is a miracle indeed! It will not always be this challenging. As long as everyone gets fed and maybe you get a shower, all is well with the world. The rest will fall into place, in it's own sweet time. For now, cling to those sweet babes and your husband, let their love fill you up.
    Balance takes time.
    Peace and blessings!

  7. Posted October 16, 2010 at 10:27 am by Nutmeg | Permalink

    I think about you so much. Despite your challenges and overwhelment, there is a part of me that envies the true, meaningful work you are doing. Everything I do now in my childless fancy-free life is simply building up the hopeful wealth of things that I will have to offer children someday. I hope, I hope. Anyway, you are where I want to be.

  8. Posted October 19, 2010 at 4:34 pm by Carey | Permalink

    Erin–

    The bit about grass growing definitely resonates with me. I've heard it put another way: The days are long, but the years are short. It's my mantra right now, when there's seemingly endless piles of laundry, squabbles between siblings, sleepless nights, and not a moment's peace. (Some days, getting a shower is a triumph.)

    I want to be here, intentional, in the moment. Wanting and doing don't often intersect for me, though. I want to change this.

    I bought Writing Motherhood, too, and have been making my way through it. It's a really lovely book, inspiring and so packed full of wisdom. The pull to write, to chronicle the shape of my days, is always there. I'm looking forward to making my Mother's Notebook part of my daily (chaotic) routine.

    Blessings to you as you relish soft swirls of baby hair and admire rubberband wrists.

  9. Posted October 24, 2010 at 9:53 pm by Mama Bee | Permalink

    hello,

    Found your blog through rhythm of the home. I really enjoyed the piece you wrote there and the blogs posts I've read on here.

    I really struggled with the transition into motherhood. I can only imagine the stress of two, but have faith. Some day you'll look back and it will be nothing but a fuzzy memory. Congrats on your handsome little man by the way and your daughter is so bright and full of life.

  10. Posted November 8, 2010 at 9:04 pm by Alyssa Spring | Permalink

    Your little girl is so gorgeous! I'm pregnant with my 4th baby and so I can totally relate and loved reading everything you have been writing. So glad that you are finding joy in your home!

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