After bathing the kids, I began picking out their alphabet and numbers from the lukewarm water. The last three letters were J O Y. In that order. I think someone is trying to tell me something.
I can’t seem to find clarity or purpose these days. With the exception of those two weeks of summer weather, it has been a grim, cool spring here. We’ve had a fire burning every day and had a thick blanket of snow covering the peonies and lilies earlier this week.
I go to bed feeling empty and guilty. I wake up feeling as though too many hours stretch out before me and the time Mike comes home.
As I said before, my life isn’t lacking. It’s all in my head. I know what work needs to be done and where I want to be, but I can’t seem to find the gumption. I busy myself with the tasks of cleaning and tidying with the promise of doing the important self work later.
I bake cookies and pies when I should be exercising.
I look at pretty things when I should be creating pretty things.
I scrub toilets and sweep floors when I should be dancing and singing with the kids.
I sleep shallow sleep when I should be awake and sipping the silence.
I make lists when I should just start.
I read blogs when I should be writing my own blog.
I watch tv when I should be finding comfort in my own life.
I look at Facebook and wish I could quit it.
They say only boring people are bored, but man, I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I think when I felt this restlessness before, I would just grab the stroller and numb it with buying fifty cent clothing at the Salvation Army or busy myself with finding the best shampoo or hand soap at the health food store. Now I am left alone with it and I am faced with finding better coping mechanisms. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it is a bit of a painful process.
I am fighting the urge to apologize for being anything other than upbeat and crafty in this space. I don’t write in my journal anymore so this is where it all lands. This isn’t to be dramatic or woeful. It is just me working through and rolling with it. Writing always take me to the answers and the truth is, all the wisdom of the ages rests within each of us. The hardest part is to listen and then do something with it.
I know who I want to be, but it means breaking some old habits and that is never comfortable, but always worth it.
go gently + be wonderful