To celebrate, I painted my nails bright pink
Ate cupcakes for breakfast.
Indulged in a black motorcycle bomber from h+m because it was everything I am not. And I love it.
I smudged smoke around my eyes and put care into my curls. We wandered around Bobcaygeon and shared icecream with the kids.
Then I spent the evening in the VIP lounge for the Sarah McLachlin concert in Toronto.
I have adored her music since highschool and as I thought of all the things she has sang me through, she walked out onto the stage and I cried. I couldn’t help but think about my youth and all the things I would have done had I been braver. It all reminded me that I get to do this living ‘thing’ my way. It has me thinking about the bravery I am capable of. Needless to say, her crescendos touched long forgotten places and the Toronto Symphony Orchestra toook my breath away. So, instead of stifling the tears, I let them flow and pool in the hollow of my collarbone; and instead of sitting when those around me sat, I stood and cheered and hollared. I was surrounded by other strong women who were also crying and cheering, each for her own reason.
I spent my birthday (and the past few weeks) away from Facebook and it has been nice. The truth is, I hate all those hundreds of empty birthday wishes that always roll in. They make spending the day alone unbearable. But this year was different. I wasn’t lonely and I appreciated the very small handful of phone calls, emails, and cards that fluttered in. It was the best birthday since I turned 19. The final week of thirty one was cleansing and a bit exhausting. I was able to identify, put words to, and work through many of the emotions I have been wrestling with since I turned thirty. It feels wonderful and light.
I will reunite with Facebook, but not because I miss it. I don’t at all. It was like when we shut off our cable; we thought we would die without it, but you just don’t. You’re just a little out of the loop. About 98% of the friendships are based soley on convenience and my assumptions that people only care about you when it is convenient to were well proven. It is ok, I get it. We’re all busy and Facebook lets us get to know and communicate with people we would otherwise never meet or chat with. It is intimate and shallow all at once. It is what it is and many great connections have been made through it. It is an amazing tool of our generation and I choose to use it.
This year I hope to:embrace my strength accept my weakness
paint my nails
take myself out of the box I’ve created
make time for quiet wear fun shoes make peace with my legs and post baby body perhaps even wear a dress or two
make more things; big and small
remember the girl who likes to wear big earrings made of feathers and seashells
mix wine with my cider
learn to relax stop apologizing for how messy our house is let Poppy choose the colour more often plant more flowers get away hug strangers and loved ones often do it my own way go gently + be wonderful e.