I have come up against my wall. The place where I start to balk and resist even though I know it is in my best interest to keep moving forward. I have become more familiar with this wall, this exact place, than I would like to admit.
We made it through our vacation only missing one or two scheduled workouts, but then Mike went back to work, Mike’s mom went back to Newfoundland, daycare was up and running again. Life went back to normal and I felt alone and bored. I eat when I feel powerless. I feel sad when I am out of control and make things worse by giving up on the things I know make me better. It is self sabotage at its best (or worst), I just can’t figure out the why of it all.
Last night I took Poppy to her third ballet class and she, yet again, found the toys, books, and charity lollipops in the waiting area far more interesting than ballet. She refused to participate and then pushed out the door claiming she was done and wanted a snack. Feeling more frustrated than I should have, we headed to the grocery store. After an hour of shopping and finally remembering to pick up some key items (and on sale even!) I got to the cash register to find Mike had borrowed my bank card and failed to put it back. Of course, I did not realize this until everything had been rung through. We have a VISA, but I don’t carry it. So, embarrassed and furious, Poppy and I went back to the car empty handed. I spent the 25 minute car ride home alternating between plots on how I would torture my husband to moments of inner reflection and calmness. In the end, anger won over reflection as that has always been my pattern; it is what I have learned. I was still furious when I got home and let Mike know it. Anger never makes me feel better, but she is a cunning seductress in the moment. After a heartfelt apology from Mike, I couldn’t help but wonder what about this relatively tiny blip made me so angry.
The answer was that it made me feel powerless. I felt dumb, frustrated and embarrassed. It ruined my one outing of the week.
It is hard for me to admit, but there are days I wish we lived in town; days I wish I could walk to the grocery store for the one ingredient I am missing, head to the park to burn off steam, do some window shopping or even just mail a letter. I don’t feel comfortable walking here as we live on a fairly busy road mainly used by quarry and logging trucks and cottagers. There is a nice side road just a quick distance away, but it is winding with a lot of blind corners. Three days per week I am tied to the house with daycare. The option to head into work with Mike so I can then take the car is there, but spending the entire day out and about with two young children is not exactly my idea of fun. I am a homebody by nature and am also an only child, so I do alone time like a boss. I don’t crave more social time as many well-meaning friends and family think, I just need time to myself. Just a few moments per week that don’t feel like hostage negotiations or the Hurt Locker.
Moving here has been empowering in many ways; we build our own furniture now, we make more of our food from scratch, we feel more settled with who we are, we are doing things we have long dreamed of doing, and we have tapped into a great community of homeschooling and otherwise like minded people. But it has also come with transitions I thought about, but had no idea would be so difficult to overcome. The isolation, the lack of transportation, the expensive groceries, the long commute to, well, everywhere. I miss having our mail delivered and our garbage picked up. It drives me crazy that I have to rely so heavily on Mike to run errands and mail important documents on time. It makes me crazy that I can’t seem to find a sustainable way to bring in a small income. It frustrates me that I have all this time at home and never seem to have time to finish things without Mike home. I feel discombobulated most of the time.
I wear quartz and tourmaline with the faint hope that some of the gemstones’ powers will rub off on me. Unfortunately though, I fear the inner work that needs to be done lands squarely on my own shoulders. Parenthood and marriage have brought me to my knees with the issue I struggle with most: powerlessness and selflessness. Conquering that struggle is so much more than simply knowing it, but it is an important step.
And so, I will continue to work through the annoyances I feel when doing the workouts that, just weeks ago, enlivened me. We will try shifting workouts to the evenings and, instead, spend the cool mornings sipping coffee; warmed by fire and lit by the rising sun. Fall calls for comfort and easing into our day so . I am in it for the long haul and I have the rest of my life to perfect it all. Instead of running, I will stay with this uncomfortable feeling; try a new pattern for once; see it through to the other side.
All will be well again. It is, after all, my most favourite time of year. The time when good and happy things happen. This year will be no exception to that rule.
go gently + be wonderful
P.S. Yes, I am very well aware that this post could also be entitled “first world problems”.