Since my last post, I have spent a bit of time listening to and reading Danielle LaPorte and Wayne Dyer. I find them inspiring because they give me permission to ask for what I want; do it gently, but without apology; and to resist the constant yearning to please everyone. They remind me that I get to do this my way.
It has occurred to me a number of times over the years that I need constant approval. Phew, that was hard to say out loud. Perhaps all bloggers are a little like this. Perhaps not. But the act of sharing, posting, and linking is all very odd when I think too much about it. Partly, I do it because I enjoy recording the moments of our lives that could otherwise get lost in the folds; partly, I do it to ward off the feeling of isolation and the crazy that comes with being cooped up with 2 (sometimes 4) kids under 4; and, for the last part, I do it because I need to hear “Good job!” “You inspire me!” and, the big one, “You should! It doesn’t seem to matter how many touching emails come my way, I always remember the people who said nothing. When there is silence, I hear “You shouldn’t” or “I don’t have anything nice to say, so I won’t say anything…maybe she’ll get the hint”. I often marvel at other artists’ confidence and wonder if they fight the same twisted battle. I silently admire their work, assuming they hear, often enough, how great their work is. But do they hear their own fears echoing in the quiet like I do?
I won’t please everyone with my pictures. I am quite sure I could always know more about f stops and lighting and photoshop. What I find beautiful or meaningful, others may find silly, pointless, or odd. For a people pleaser, this is complete and utter torture, even though I know it is irrational. I do it in many aspects of my life. I show my softness, but hide the rough edges. Sometimes I wish I could soften those edges instead of hide them, but it is who I am. They are the culmination of my experiences; my battles; my victories; my lessons; my wounds.
This isn’t about getting more compliments or comments; nor is it just about the task of starting and succeeding at my own photography business. It is about declaration; me declaring that I am good enough, qualified, smart enough, and worthy. It is about me realizing I come from a long line of entrepreneurs, artists, warriors, creatives, collectors, writers, farmers, whiskey makers, and risk takers and they are in my corner. It is about me finally turning an attentive ear to the whispers and cheers coming from the shadows of others who are all too familiar with the obnoxious voices who talk nasty to us. It is about taking back what has been stolen by self doubt, reluctance, and incorrect priorities. It is about showing my children what living with sincerity is instead of just talking as though it is a far off dream, only meant for the elite others. It is about being scared of looking foolish, failing and criticism, but doing it anyway. It is about taking all of that hurt and fear and doubt; all of that excitement, anticipation, and brainstorming; and doing good rather than evil.
Launch and learn , Bitches.
P.S. I hearby declare that I will tell those fierce, creative, inspiring, warrior women blazing a path just how wonderful I think they are. Maybe you’d like to join me and break the silent admiration. Let it be known.