away i go

The usual journey inward has begun.  My pattern is always the same, I pull away from everything and everyone but those who live in my house in the first trimester.  I had nearly forgotten just how uncomfortable pregnancy is for me.  Each time I find out I am pregnant and I hope against hope that this will be the one I enjoy.  I will finally understand what all those women who love being pregnant are talking about.  Then it hits and I am rendered useless and I instantly allow that to define me as though I have always been and will forever be an unproductive, weeping heap on the couch.  I tried going back to the archives to see how I felt during Silas’ pregnancy because I can hardly recollect it,  but there was nothing.  Just a silent space and tumbleweeds.  It’s how I roll.

Silas is still insisting that I have two babies in my belly (a boy and a girl) and Poppy continues to go back and forth.  We look forward to finding out what we’re having this time around.  Whatever it is though I can assure you it will be made of condensed soup, and white bread just as his or her brother and sister were.

We watched Away We Go over the weekend and I wept from beginning to end.  I had seen it before, but never at this stage of our lives.  The music is all Alexi Murdoch and it became apparent that I incapable of listening to a note of his music without crying.  I first heard his music in Garden State (another movie and soundtrack that had a huge impact on us).  It was an interesting contrast of the two lives we’ve had.  All the ideals we thought we’d be living by our ages today.  All the debt we would have paid off.  What awesome and pulled together parents and adults we’d be.  As I watched the movie I felt as though we could have been watching ourselves.  ”Do I really have to be this uncool for the rest of my life?” “Are we fuck ups?”.  Somewhere in the middle of the extremes, not entirely sure of where we fit.

I can hardly wait for Mike to bring home tomatoes and white bread so I can eat a toasted tomato sammie with mayo, salt and pepper.

go gently + be wonderful

e.

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9 Comments

  1. Posted February 12, 2013 at 4:24 pm by Stephanie K. | Permalink

    I can just picture you as a heap. With cream of tomato soup smeared around your mouth. Bless your heart. We’re all fuck ups. Now I have to go change a poopy diaper. Love you!

  2. Posted February 13, 2013 at 12:29 pm by Bonnie | Permalink

    Oh, that sucks! I think this is a mom thing. I am battling a bug right now that is wiping out my energy and has for the last week. No matter that I managed to pull off two birthday parties for my oldest this past weekend, all I can think about it how “lazy” I’m being. This 24-7 “job” of ours doesn’t allow for sick days I guess…

    And I know exactly what you mean in regards to realizing you are not at the place in life you thought you’d be “way back when”. Fuck it. That’s what I’m learning to do. I’m a stay-at-home mom in the most expensive place to live in Canada. I’m trying very hard to give myself a break. Although it’s hard not to pick up on my husbands’s financial worries and feel guilty about it. But I keep repeating to myself your words “I’m saving my family money rather than making money”. Love it.

  3. Posted February 13, 2013 at 4:01 pm by Chandelle | Permalink

    That’s one of my favorite movies and I feel the same way every time I see it.

  4. Posted March 5, 2013 at 10:25 pm by melanie | Permalink

    I’m quite a mess during pregnancy as well and this go-round I pretty much stopped blogging completely. I think with two small children underfoot it is even harder. I have never been able to understand women who love being pregnant – although I have no doubt that they do – when I am just so uncomfortable. I think with my most recent pregnancy I was depressed too but thankfully the moment she arrived (a month ago) that cloud lifted and I feel much better about everything now that she is out. I wish the same for you – after all, as uncomfortable as we are during pregnancy it doesn’t last forever. : )

  5. Posted March 13, 2013 at 9:49 am by amy | Permalink

    Hope you are doing well and resting away! I have a 4 year old girl, a 3 year old boy, and another boy coming in June. The first tri was terrible, but the rest have been ok. :) Will be here to read about your time when you’re back!

  6. Posted April 8, 2013 at 9:29 am by Marla | Permalink

    Erin, I hope you are doing well and feeling well. I am sure that I speak for many when I say that we have missed you. I love your blog – both your writing and your photos. You are so very talented, and I am so impressed that you can do so much with little ones underfoot. I just hope that you are doing well with the pregnancy. I wish you peace and light.

  7. Posted April 19, 2013 at 6:06 am by Heather | Permalink

    How are you?

    We have 5 kids and have been married 17 years this month. I am sure there are just amazing put together people out there. But, we still have our oh my gosh what did we do moments. Just part of growing!

  8. Posted May 8, 2013 at 9:40 pm by christine m. | Permalink

    it’s been a very long while… hope you are happy and well

  9. Posted June 13, 2013 at 11:53 am by Rachel | Permalink

    I love that movie, I’ve watched it probably 5 times. And Alexi Murdoch is genius. Love your blog! So beautiful and inspiring! Do you live in/near Peterborough?

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