The usual journey inward has begun. My pattern is always the same, I pull away from everything and everyone but those who live in my house in the first trimester. I had nearly forgotten just how uncomfortable pregnancy is for me. Each time I find out I am pregnant and I hope against hope that this will be the one I enjoy. I will finally understand what all those women who love being pregnant are talking about. Then it hits and I am rendered useless and I instantly allow that to define me as though I have always been and will forever be an unproductive, weeping heap on the couch. I tried going back to the archives to see how I felt during Silas’ pregnancy because I can hardly recollect it, but there was nothing. Just a silent space and tumbleweeds. It’s how I roll.
Silas is still insisting that I have two babies in my belly (a boy and a girl) and Poppy continues to go back and forth. We look forward to finding out what we’re having this time around. Whatever it is though I can assure you it will be made of condensed soup, and white bread just as his or her brother and sister were.
We watched Away We Go over the weekend and I wept from beginning to end. I had seen it before, but never at this stage of our lives. The music is all Alexi Murdoch and it became apparent that I incapable of listening to a note of his music without crying. I first heard his music in Garden State (another movie and soundtrack that had a huge impact on us). It was an interesting contrast of the two lives we’ve had. All the ideals we thought we’d be living by our ages today. All the debt we would have paid off. What awesome and pulled together parents and adults we’d be. As I watched the movie I felt as though we could have been watching ourselves. ”Do I really have to be this uncool for the rest of my life?” “Are we fuck ups?”. Somewhere in the middle of the extremes, not entirely sure of where we fit.
I can hardly wait for Mike to bring home tomatoes and white bread so I can eat a toasted tomato sammie with mayo, salt and pepper.
go gently + be wonderful