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playing catch up
Firstly, I apologize for my absence and secondly, I thank you warmly for your kind emails to check in on me. At 5 weeks of pregnancy the all day nausea hit me like a tonne of bricks and the depression that always accompanies it followed close behind. Up until now, even the thought of signing into my blog account made me feel nauseated.
Alas, I am 19 weeks along and aside from feeling a bit gaggy in the mornings, I am feeling much better now. Phew, that was a rough ride!
I am a little ashamed and saddened that I have only a handful of ho-hum photos from the past 3 months, so indulge me while I attempt to record a few snapshots to remind us all of what these month looked like…
- We had our 18 to 20 week ultrasound on Monday and found out that we are having a GIRL! The kids have been saying girl consistently whenever we ask them so it was no big surprise to them. We waited to find out for our first two, but thought it would be fun to find out for our last one. It feels really nice to know…though I do have that nagging thought that they do make mistakes.
- The all day nausea lasted from 5 weeks until about 15 weeks. I made the whole 10 weeks without throwing up and then randomly at 18 weeks, I barfed my guts out. The same thing happened with Poppy.
- If I had picked up my camera you would likely see pictures of Silas dressed in a straw hat and lady gloves while exclaiming “Iiiiiit’s show time!” and you would see Poppy dressed in her flapper hat, lady gloves and a purse declaring she was ready to go to the bush.
- We spent a great deal of time laying on the couch watching movies. The funny thing is that I felt so guilty, but the kids were happy…likely because they had me all to themselves to snuggle and play with. I also realized just how well they get along and play together. They almost never fight and almost always share there food and toys with each other with a simple offer or question “You wanna share with me Silas/Poppy”. They really are the best of friends and I am so glad they will be homeschooled to foster that relationship.
- I wonder how this new little girl will fit into the mix and dynamic. Both kids are excited and ease my worries when they bring toys for the baby, kiss my belly, and shush each other so as not to wake the baby. Silas found a play stethoscope at the local thrift store and immediately held it up to my belly and said “I’m just checking your baby. I’m a doctor.”
- There was lots of lego, books, and puzzles by the fire.
- Evening games of Uno in which Poppy actually began beating us until she lost interest and left the game after 4 or 5 hands.
- The Waltons
- Poppy has become quite crafty and resourceful. When I take to long to fill a bowl with water for her to use her watercolour paints, she will spit in them and begin without me. She used the same principle just yesterday when she wanted water for the mud pit they love so much. She peed in it and I was able to stop her as she was about to proceed playing with her new mud. Don’t worry we promptly filled the area in with 10 bags of play sand last night. The black flies swarmed us, but with bug nets over their heads, they played happily for nearly an hour without so much as a single bite.
- Speaking of the mud pit, one warm day this week they were able to strip down and become completely coated in dark, rich mud. All was fine and dandy until Silas snuck inside, waited until I spotted him, slammed the door and ran squealing into the front room and onto the couch where he flailed around until I could get him off and into the tub where he surprised us all by pooping. He has never done that and I think he was more shocked than Poppy and I.
- Poppy has been sleeping in her own room, but Mike has been staying with her until she falls asleep, but about a month ago she started asking to go to bed and falling asleep by herself. This is a very big moment for us as we have never wanted to let her cry it out.
- We have been moving Silas to his own toddler bed in their shared room after he falls asleep, but most nights he finds his way back into our bed.
- Poppy loves to draw, but shows more creativity with paints. My favourite pieces are a portrait of Daddy and a colourful caterpillar.
- She has also begun spelling and writing her name by herself and has learned the sounds all the letters of the alphabet make.
- Our 9 hens are laying well and we can barely use up all the eggs.
- Our red headed rooster has started to attack us. It began with Silas, then Poppy, then Mike, then me. He isn’t brutally aggressive, but enough to be annoying. The good news is that when he attacked Silas and Poppy, Huck was there and gently pulled the rooster off of them by the tail feathers. We are hoping to find a new home for him or he may end up in the freezer.
- Huck has been a frustratingly stubborn dog, but he is wonderful with the kids and keeps a watchful eye on them. If they run out of sight, he will follow and sit with them.
- Our area had a lot of run off water, rain, and flooding this spring. We weren’t affected by the flooding rivers at home, but our basement did gather some water which was frustrating, but so many people were evacuated and likely have severe water damage to their homes.
- Mike and I will be creating a new website for Ellenberger Organic Farm. It will have a lot more comprehensive information on it. I will let you know when it goes live, but if you’d like to see more up to date photos, videos, and what is available when, etc, be sure to like their new Facebook page! It was a great maple syrup year for them.
- Mike’s Mom and her partner were up for a visit as they made their way back from Florida to Newfoundland which meant that Mike and I were able to get into the big city for our first night away alone in over four years. We visited the St. Lawrence Market where I nearly passed out due to low blood sugar. I sat on their lovely outdoor patio area where Mike fed me strawberries, cookies, meat sticks and water until I recovered. We then walked on to the Distillery District. Then up through a sketchy part of town and through Cabbagetown until we reached our hotel (An old Victorian house that Ernest Hemmingway lived in while in Toronto). Once talking to the kids and freshening up, we made our way through the posh, douche chill inducing streets of Yorkville to a little Indian Restaurant where we enjoyed a lovely, quiet meal while simultaneously remembering why we like and love each other. We then sipped on coffee and hot chocolate and strolled through aisles of books. In the morning we rose early and enjoyed a stroll back down Bloor until we arrived at the ROM. We sipped more hot beverages and ate a small breakfast while chatting and people watching until the museum opened. With one set of butterfly wings, one set of dinosaur wings and a dinosaur mug, we made our way back to Union Station by way of the bustling Yonge Street. My feet still hurt, but the simple memories are good ones that should carry us through to our next getaway in another couple of years
. - Turns out that making baby girls makes for a fatter sicker mama. With Silas I was able to wear the same pair of non maternity jeans throughout the whole pregnancy. With this one, I peed on the stick and my pants stopped fitting. Sweet lord, it is going to be a long summer!
- There are so many lilac blossom promises this year. How I love the wild flowers and perennials that grow around this little house…wild roses, peonies, poppies, lilacs, daisies, cherry and apple blossoms, and black eyed Susan’s, oh my! My mason jars shall runneth over this year!
- We are hoping to get honeybees next spring. I do love the dear little creatures, but would like to get the family allergy tested before we get them to make me feel better.
- Mike is still making his way though our giant pile of firewood logs which means Mike ventured into chainsaw ownership and use. He was pretty excited. We hope to save up for a much more efficient wood stove this fall.
- We were very pleased that we didn’t owe any taxes this year! We got a $10 return, but paid $80 to figure that out.
- Poppy has a new habit of posing very seriously for photos. It is hard to explain, but it often translates into a very sad looking little girl even though as soon as I take it she breaks into a smile and asks to see it. It is as though she is being artistic beyond her years. Just yesterday she spotted the patch of cheerful dandelions in the yard and ran out to pick them in her fairy jammies. She brought more and more in and then arranged them ever so carefully in a small mason jar. Of course there were some very stoic poses for mama and her camera, but I did manage to capture a couple candid joyful faces.
- Silas’ favourite new word is “dirt bag”. It is something we lovingly call him from time to time, but it likely sounds horrible to onlookers who watch Mike take him into the washroom of the restaurant to wash his hands while he hollers playfully in protest “Let me go you dirt bag!”. Funny stuff.
- I purchased a 5 year journal on our little getaway to the city and look forward to recording a little bit about our everyday days.
Well, there you have it. I know I’ve forgotten so many tiny good moments, but now I will have something to come back to this winter as we work away on our annual Poppy, Silas + Little Girl (We have a name picked, but will attempt keeping it secret for now) book for the grandparents.
I hope to see more of you these days and catch up on your own spaces again.
go gently + be wonderful
e.
away i go
The usual journey inward has begun. My pattern is always the same, I pull away from everything and everyone but those who live in my house in the first trimester. I had nearly forgotten just how uncomfortable pregnancy is for me. Each time I find out I am pregnant and I hope against hope that this will be the one I enjoy. I will finally understand what all those women who love being pregnant are talking about. Then it hits and I am rendered useless and I instantly allow that to define me as though I have always been and will forever be an unproductive, weeping heap on the couch. I tried going back to the archives to see how I felt during Silas’ pregnancy because I can hardly recollect it, but there was nothing. Just a silent space and tumbleweeds. It’s how I roll.
Silas is still insisting that I have two babies in my belly (a boy and a girl) and Poppy continues to go back and forth. We look forward to finding out what we’re having this time around. Whatever it is though I can assure you it will be made of condensed soup, and white bread just as his or her brother and sister were.
We watched Away We Go over the weekend and I wept from beginning to end. I had seen it before, but never at this stage of our lives. The music is all Alexi Murdoch and it became apparent that I incapable of listening to a note of his music without crying. I first heard his music in Garden State (another movie and soundtrack that had a huge impact on us). It was an interesting contrast of the two lives we’ve had. All the ideals we thought we’d be living by our ages today. All the debt we would have paid off. What awesome and pulled together parents and adults we’d be. As I watched the movie I felt as though we could have been watching ourselves. ”Do I really have to be this uncool for the rest of my life?” “Are we fuck ups?”. Somewhere in the middle of the extremes, not entirely sure of where we fit.
I can hardly wait for Mike to bring home tomatoes and white bread so I can eat a toasted tomato sammie with mayo, salt and pepper.
go gently + be wonderful
e.
Also posted in family, life
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what january taught me + thirty one
So far, I have really been enjoying the 365 photo project. It has pushed me to blog words I didn’t think I had and it has been healthy and liberating allowing myself to write about the little things. If you have not already, I encourage you to give it a shot and leave a link in the comments if you feel so inclined.
Yesterday also marked the end of our first month of serious budget living. It was an event that was more empowering than I had first thought possible. We did very well and managed to cut our grocery bill nearly in half while also paying a substantial amount down on our line of credit. We also managed to stay out of overdraft for the entire month. Instead of feeling poor, we feel rich. Who would have thought it!?
This budget and having time to really look at my relationship with shopping has really begun to shake me down. I have been wanting to go through my over stuffed closet and reduce my clothes DRASTICALLY to about 20 beloved and classic items. I linked to this image a week ago and have been wondering if I could be ruthless enough to do it. I know it is time to let go of all those jeans I wore when we began dating nearly 10 years ago. I would also love to let go of the giant clothes I wore during my pregnancies; you see, instead of buying proper maternity clothes I just bought big things and looked like a house because of it (Oh how very thrifty of me). There are clothes that are just a smidge too small or unflattering or uncomfortable, but I hold onto them because I like the colour, the fabric, or the quality or even have a memory attached to it. I am thinking I could sort it, put it all in bags and then hide it in our loft for a few weeks. If something haunts me, I can dig it out, but if I can’t remember or don’t miss it, it is time to let friends pick out what they’d like and then cart it off to the local charity thrift store. I think I am ready.
Yesterday, our basement/crawl space flooded. At first we thought it was due to the insane January downpour we had the day before, but it turns out it was a clogged drainage pipe from our washing machine. At any rate, it was enough to drive us both to distraction. It made me really question why we even keep all that stuff hidden away. It just allows us to continue to hold onto things that no longer serve us well. We forget we have the items or we forget where they are and then buy new items only to find duplicates a year later. Well, we managed to purge a good car load full of stuff yesterday and have a lot more to purge.
When Mike and I moved in together, I had never really lived on my own except for the 8 months I spent in a dorm room at college whereas he had already been on his own for years. I arrived with a giant Uhaul truck full of things while everything he owned fit into his little Honda Civic hatchback. We are very different people when it comes to stuff. I am a nester; a collector; the safe one. He, on the other hand, forms no attachment to his things, but had dropped everything so he could live in Uganda for 6 months before we had met. I know now who had the better stories to tell. I think, after nearly 10 years, we are about to find a happy middle ground.
We have all heard the quote ““Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful”, but I think is time to really start living by those words. Our house would not be considered “tiny living” at 1700 square feet, but we would like to start living by smaller means. It is very true that the more stuff you have the more time you spend fretting over losing it, cleaning it, rearranging it, and maintaining it. I get what the monks are trying to tell us now. This may sound extreme to some, but the truth is, we ate better this month on nearly half of what we were spending in previous months, and I think we could be very happy with less, but higher quality stuff.
So yes, I feel motivated, hopeful, and even a little shaken up (in the best sort of way) by this budget adventure. It is motivating to see that it is possible to stay out of overdraft and not have to dip into a line of credit. It makes me hopeful that we can have the things we want (it may just take a little longer) and that by me saving us money in the kitchen, it is just as good as me making money. I am shaken up when I think of how I have filled small voids in my own landscape with things and shopping.
It’s time to get ruthless. Will you join me?
go gently + be wonderful
e.
Also posted in 365 photo project, frugal living, life
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a portrait a week
I am quite certain I will fail miserably at keeping up with this portrait a week project from the blog Che and Fidel, but I figure it is worth a shot. I would be fairly impressed if I were able to do it once every two weeks or once per month, but we shall see how it goes. Besides it would be great Christmas Book fodder…
Miss Poppy
- When anyone tells you you’re pretty or cute you reply rather confidently and matter of factly “YES, I am.”
- You have had potty training mastered since about one week after beginning on December 17th. You don’t have to be reminded at all (though mama does bug a bit when we’re out and about just in case you get caught up in playing). You are so proud of yourself and beam at us. One night around New Years you were sitting on the toilet with the door open and hollered out “keep the change ya filthy animal!”.
- Your hair is incorrigible. There is no other word for it. We are growing it a bit in hopes of being able to tie it up or even braid it, but it only seems to want to grow forward onto your wee little face. We should have it under control by the time you’re 17
- You love all fruit, but will not touch vegetables so I have been sneaking cauliflower and turnip into your mac and cheese and spinach into your cookies and lasagna. It works marvelously.
- You love drawing pictures of people and the planets and solar system. Anywhere you see a circle (the circles you were supposed to trace in a workbook) or two dots (the screws in the little chair you sit in at your art table) you tend to finish it off by making it into a person. You are completely engrossed in your art for long periods of time.
- You love playing with dough and pastry and always ask to help me in the kitchen.
- You like sleeping in your own room with the pink walls and vintage Strawberry Shortcake sheets. .
- You still ask if we can go “pickle treating” (trick or treating) again.
- I hope you never stop calling a bathing suit as “baby soup”
- You are a loving little thing with an even temper. You may look like me, but you are more and more like your daddy in many ways. Adaptable, easy going, and generous.
- We have yet to see anything “terrible” (twos or otherwise) from you.
- The other night you went to sleep with a plastic saw.
- You love looking at your nursery rhyme books and LOVE the picture of Hansel and Gretel and the “candy house”
- You recently discovered the joy of lego and like to build lighthouses (with ghosts), castles, and cities.
- You love your animals and protect them always. You carry Smitty (our ever-tolerant cat) around like a little baby, putting him under blankets when you think he’d like to sleep, carry him to his food or water dish when you think he is hungry or thirsty and protect him from the giant oaf, Huck. ”He’s like a little baby, Mommy”
- When you fall or trip or cough, you yell out to us “I’m ok!” before we have time to ask.
- You know all your numbers and alphabet and colours and animals. You are beginning to be interested in knowing what words start with what letters and can recognize familiar words like Poppy, Silas, Mama, and Daddy.
- You can count up to ten items accurately.
- You are starting to practice writing your name and do the p’s and o’s quite well which is pretty good considering those two letters make up most of your name.
- Last week when you were both sick with a fierce cold, you snuggled up with your head on my lap and as I stroked your hair, you looked up at me and murmured “I’m like a little kitty.” and then fell asleep.
- In a couple of pictures above, we had gone outside for a little romp in the fresh snow. While Silas climbed up into the trailer and into the scrap lumber pile with its rusty nails, you laid down in the snow and just closed your eyes and stayed there until the dogs put their cold noses on your face. You were so still and peaceful like that. You take a lot of quiet moments like this where you seem to be contemplating big things or perhaps nothing at all.
- You are quite excited about your birthday and so far, you’d like chocolate cake with chocolate icing and chocolate ice cream. Also you have requested strawberry juice, popsicles, and lasagna. When we ask if you’d like any toys, you tells us you would like for everyone to come and eat cake.
- We can hardly believe you will be four in a few short weeks!
Mr Silas
- You are one fierce little boy.
- You are strong willed and have taken to throwing down almost constantly.
- It is exhausting, but you do make up for it with hilarious antics and loving gestures.
- The first words out of your mouth in the mornings these days are “Where’s Poppy?” and “I wanna watch Eggo (Diego).”
- We don’t love Diego, but you seem to be fascinated with the animals on the show and retain the facts with ease.
- We thought, since Poppy started going on the potty, that you might be inspired to as well, but you refuse just as your sister did. After seeing how effortless it was for Poppy, we are much more relaxed about it all. When you’re ready.
- You have no interest in drawing or painting or even playing with play dough, but you do enjoy playing with your animals and cars and doll house.
- You tend to enjoy books without words and prefer looking at pictures.
- You do like it when I read aloud from my own grownup book though.
- Your vocabulary is and always has been ridiculously advanced. You speak in quite full and proper sentences though you have no interest in learning your letters and numbers.
- You know your colours and like attempting to count things
- You love pretending. You roll up paper and use a flashlight to look for “Rosie” and use pretend cameras and binoculars often.
- You enjoy wearing an apron and making food in your play kitchen with Poppy; soups, pies, toast, and stirring sugar, milk and flour endlessly.
- For the last two nights you’ve gone to sleep grasping a mini whisk and stirring spoon.
- The other day, I asked you the rhetorical question “Could you be any cuter?! I don’t think it is possible.” You put your hands on my cheeks and said “Yes Mommy, it is a popsicle!”
- You continue to remind me of Grampa Ellenberger when you make your mischievous face.
- On Friday, as I began getting supper ready, you came into the kitchen asked up. We were both crusted with the day’s snot and grime and oh so tired of doing not much of anything for days. You put your head on my shoulder, patted my back, and in a congested, raspy voice said “I love you Mommy.” I can’t be totally sure, but I am quite sure that is the first spontaneous “I love you” you has ever said. I softened and the whole week melted away as I squeezed you tighter and said “I love you more”. you barely hesitated before saying “I love you most”. See, I said you make up for your tantrums with loving things.
Also posted in 52 portraits, family, homeschooling, life
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twenty one + more homeschool musings
This week I plan on spending some time with the many homeschooling books and resources I have accumulated over the past 4 years or more. Homeschooling has been something I have wanted to do since well before we even had children. I have never wavered from that decision, but that does not mean I am not slightly intimidated by it.
We have a pretty great and active homeschooling group in our area that continues to grow and grow. What I love about it is that we all have different styles, practices, and ideas. We have artists and homesteaders, former dental hygienists, and former teachers; there is Waldorf and Montessori, project based, and unschooling. We all have different strengths and that is important.
The more I read about unschooling, the more I feel pulled in that direction. That being said I was conventionally schooled and struggle a little bit with the level of trust that it requires. I strongly believe that children have an innate yearning to learn and that when it is done at their pace and in accordance with their interests it can be magic.
Our plan, thus far, is to do a combination of homeschooling and unschooling. I am sure many hardcore unschoolers would argue that isn’t unschooling at all, but to each their own. I think when I say unschooling most people get their hackles up thinking it is irresponsible or neglectful, but I define it as placing topics and learning opportunities in the child’s path and following their lead to facilitate their learning. We will use the Ontario Curriculum as a guideline for where we should be focusing our attention and to know what skills they will very likely have by the end of that time frame. Our goal is to hold ourselves loosely to these guidelines and be patient where we are behind and celebrate where we are excelling. Instead of having really formal learning sessions I prefer the idea of passive learning though daily objects and activities. We hope to arrive at the same destination by taking side roads, short cuts and long cuts, and of course by enjoying some unscheduled tangents. In Ontario, they have introduced full day kindergarten starting at the age of 4 which has been controversial to say the least. If we were sending Poppy to school, she would be starting in September 2013 at the age of 4.5 and Silas would begin in September 2014.
Poppy has known her colours, numbers and letters since about 18 months, but her speech was very slow to come. Silas on the other hand, has very little interest in letters and numbers, knows his colours, and he has had a crazy vocabulary beginning before he was 1. One of my favourite sentences he said was at about 18 months: “I’m'a go outside now. Where’s mine yellow shoes is?”. Poppy’s first real sentence came when she was about 2 years and 3 months: “Chicken eggs all gone.” They each have their own strengths and they both continue to make progress.
Science and geography and even math don’t worry me half as much as teaching them the important and life changing art of reading. I have no memory of learning how to read, so it seems like such an abstract thing to teach and learn. I have recently picked up a few varied resources to help me learn how to effectively teach it to them when they are ready. My worry is not that they will not learn it, but that I will not be able to teach it when the time arrives. The books I have, specifically focused on reading, writing and a little math include: Learning Essentials by the Canadian Curriculum Press (purchased at Costco); Teaching Writing in Kindergarten by Randee Bergen; The New Kindergarten by Constance J. Leuenberger; ABC fun + 123 by Shirley Erwee. I will take what I feel will be best from each of these and use what the kids seem to enjoy most.
I recently had the opportunity to discuss the Oak Meadow Curriculum (Grade 1) with one of our homeschool mamas and loved how they taught math in the form of memorable stories. I felt that it would be a great and effective way to learn math when the interest bubbles up.
I think I am a perfect fit for homeschooling because I feel my learning style was never quite suited to the way school does it and I struggled because of that. I learn best from interesting stories, enthusiasm, interest, and from doing. Fractions never really made sense until I started baking and cooking, building things myself, and cutting my own real pies. I think I will be teaching many things over the years that never quite clicked for me back in the day and will have some “Aha moments” of my own in the process.
Children are in school for many hours per day, but I have talked with homeschooled kids, homeschooling moms, and even teachers who admit that the amount of learning done in the classroom could be accomplished in much less time at home. They can then follow their own interests in whatever direction they see fit with the rest of their days. In my mind this is the very best of both worlds.
Of course, we are just young pups in this long journey, but these are our goals and ideas today. I am so grateful that homeschooling is a viable option for us in this great country. I am grateful that we can live quite well on one income despite our debts and bills. I am grateful that we can ease into our day and it is me who gets to learn along side our children. I am grateful for a very local and vibrant community of homeschoolers despite how remote we are. I am grateful for endless internet resources and that I can connect and pull from even more blogs and blog readers such as your lovely selves.
It has been a constant struggle for me to find a rhythm that works for us, but I am going to try again. It all feels a bit frantic still as the kids are on completely opposite sleeping schedules so we start off kilter. My ideal day would look something like this:
6am – everyone up – breakfast and coffee all together
7am – brush teeth, showers, get dressed, brush hair, make beds, quick tidy of rooms
8am – 9am – free play, snuggles, quietly ease into the day
9am – outside time or yoga for cold and rainy days
9:45 -10:30 – free play
10:30 – snack time
11:00 – free play while I prepare lunch
12:00 – lunch time
12:30 – story time, finger plays, singing, etc
1pm – movie time (Silas will often fall asleep at this time)
2pm – drawing, letters, numbers, colours, art, painting, craft, play dough, workbooks if interested
3pm – baking with mama (muffins, bagels, pitas, bread, cookies, etc) or more outside time
4pm – movie, free play, etc while I prepare supper
5pm – Mike home, eat supper
5:30pm – clean up, dishes, wipe tables and counters, tidy kitchen
6pm – bath
6:30 – Daddy time -chasing, hiding, squealing, reading fun books on the iPad. Mama can crochet or blog
7pm – Evening snack and brush teeth
7:30 – If Silas did not nap, he will be ready for bed now.
Poppy free play or movie while Daddy practices the guitar (or works from home)
8:30 – Reading with Poppy (and Silas if he is still awake) – A chapter book like Little House or other classics
9pm ’till we crash pm – guitar, crochet, blog, watch tv, etc.
The truth is, the days are long and there are a lot of hours to fill. I feel guilty every time I write down tv time, but in order to do this alone everyday and make all of our meals from scratch it is necessary to keep the kids from climbing the counters. I try to involve them where possible of course, but sometimes I just need/want to do it alone. We don’t have cable, but we have Netflix and many movies and programs on DVD. The favourites include The Magic School Bus, Go, Diego, Go, Sesame Street, Scarytown Mysteries, and Poppy enjoys the BBC animal shows and has taken quite an interest in the planet and Universe shows as well. They say any TV is bad TV, but they also told me I would have difficulty bonding with and breastfeeding my c-section babies so I tend to follow my gut on this one. They do learn from and interact with these shows. I am working on letting go of the TV guilt because I am doing this alone so many hours of the day without a car and I need breaks that can give me the patience I need to make it through the week.
We are also planning at least one day during the work week in which we head out to friends’ houses, into town, or have friends in for the better part of a day for play, crafts, and food.
What do or did your homeschooling days look like when your kids were preschool age? What resources were your favourites? Anything you’d like to share or add to the discussion? Feel free to share!
Also posted in 365 photo project, family, frugal living, homeschooling, life
18 Comments
thirteen
Hot chocolate in my coffee
work for mike
a trip to the hardware store
a pretty new paint colour with a rather disappointing name
rock cookies
chicken pot pie from one of our very own chickens
more rain
more of the same
hunkering down
Our thoughts have been occupied with our newly implemented budget. We sway back and forth between feeling empowered and hopeful to tired and a little sad. The good news is that the money is there for us if we use it wisely. We are so glad that me staying home is even a viable option; I know so many people would love to be home, but simply cannot make ends meet.
I found this blog while searching for ways to stretch our dollars and for about 15 minutes we thought maybe we could really hunker down and get ourselves out of debt. Then we realized we are already bare bones with the only place to cut the fat being in our groceries, fuel, and “entertainment” ($100 – so far our entertainment includes paint and a fire detector). It would be years and years before we saw the light of day and it would be a miserable existence. All that to say we will be taking all our monthly disposable income and laying it down on our line of credit for the next several months. After that is cleared, it will be going into our savings and paying off our freezer full of organic grass fed meat. We also have a truck load of wood and a chainsaw to buy as well as our income tax coming due from my adventure into home childcare.
The budget means cutting the tiny bits of fat most people wouldn’t think twice about. Reducing grocery trips to the larger town a little over an hour away to 2 times rather than 3 or 4 times per month. It quickly becomes clear why going into the grocery store less is just better. Mike is capable of going in with blinders and only getting the milk or onions whereas I get creative and think of the possibilities. It means making our food from scratch. It means using electricity less. Ultimately, it translates into me staying home more and spending even more time in the kitchen.
Anyone who knows how much time I spend in the house as it is may think that is ludicrous to spend more time at home, but it is a reality and I am preparing myself for it. I need to switch my perspective a bit. I think I have a higher than normal tolerance for being home and being alone so it shouldn’t be too hard.
I really like being home, but Ido need a few things for it to be more sane:
1) I need a project to do; big or small, just something that makes me feel productive.
- painting nearly every surface in the house within an inch of its life
- reorganizing the cupboards
- baking/meal prep
- planning and implementing a functional pantry space
- meal planning
- sewing
- repairing, patching, and slipcover-ing our furniture
- painting or drawing
- reading
- knitting and crocheting
- blogging
- art
- jewelry making
- etc
2) I need a shower – it makes me feel more productive, more pulled together, and less grumpy/disgusting
3) I need my house to be pretty and cozy (which goes hand in hand with number 1).
4) I need something other than kid’s movies to watch especially in the winter. This one is hard to admit, but I miss watching things like Martha Stewart and would also love to watch things that we can all learn from like BBC programs, documentaries etc {this isn’t to say we don’t watch things like Shameless, Californication, and The Dragon’s Den when we can}. We are looking into ways of doing this without cable (we have not had cable for nearly 5 years!) and may be able to do something with some Christmas money and dip into our entertainment budget.
5) Adult interaction. Lots of options here between friends and homeschool meet ups, I just have to plan things out, and firm up plans more often rather than just saying, with good intentions, “We should totally get together!”. This also means embracing social media like Instagram and Facebook. I often wonder why I post pictures of random things for no real reason, but I do it to connect to the good people who may live far away or that I simply don’t get to see a lot. It staves off the crazies more times than not and can pull me back from the edge when Silas gets an early start on his throw-downs.
To some of you this may sound perfectly normal and realistic while others may think we are insane for not just doing things normal-like. send the kids to daycare and then school while we both work. Not only is it not how we wish to do things for a number of personal reasons, but there are high costs to that as well. The truth is that some days are hard and even boring, but then I think about going back to a job that I hated and spending much less time with my kids, and my perspective is regained. I would rather do tedious and sometimes mundane tasks for these two little bosses than for a stranger, besides they pay me well in cuddles and say way funnier things.
go gently + be wonderful
e.
Also posted in 365 photo project, family, frugal living, homeschooling, homesteading, life, wellness
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a true feather post
Do you ever wake up feeling tired of playing nice? I don’t mean with your family and friends, but with all the outside demands and requests and the self imposed shit.
Since I made the decision to stay home 4 years ago, I have been wracked with guilt and worry over contributing to the household income. I turned to my blog; the writing; the photography; and the crafting, in hopes of it becoming a sustainable way to make money. For a while it works for us; I feel enlivened and hopeful; I don’t think twice about the time, money, and energy spent because in an ideal world it works out beautifully and profitably. But then the requests for more stuff and free stuff start to roll into my inbox. I extend myself out into the world in hopes of catching a break only to find the truth; everyone wants something for free and the internet is flooded with talented writers, artists, photographers, and crafters trying to make it. The reality is that it is going to take more time and effort than I can give at this time in our lives.
Now I love writing and taking photographs and offer it to my friends for free because it feels like a win-win (and it is). I have written essays and articles for magazines and book projects for free because I believe in them and it builds my “portfolio”. But I recently read an article on how to price your photography work and a light went on for me. The question “How little are you willing to take per hour to spend time away or be distracted from your family?” stuck with me. Artists work hard and I applaud anyone who is paying the bills by doing it. It is not for the faint of heart. It can be a fickle venture.
It is true, I love making pretty things; I love a good project, in fact, I NEED a good project or I get bored; I love writing; I love giving my time and efforts to friends because we can’t always afford material things and it feels worthwhile. I appreciate sincere and grateful folks writing and asking to use my photos and words for their own projects; it is flattering, it really is. But it becomes tiring when the only requests are for free stuff and volunteered time and efforts. You cross into the territory of being taken advantage of. When that takes you away from your family and home time you can become resentful and stop working from a place of sincere generousity.
This morning I woke up feeling drained by it. There is a fine line to walk, and I have written about this line before. Long ago, I used my blog for a brain dump. I look back on many of those blog posts and cringe, but it was simple and I made a lot of meaningful contacts that remain to this day. I love blogging, but I sometimes tire of playing nice. I have painted myself into a corner and it is my nature to balk and rebel; that is when I go quiet here.
So I will offer up my writing to publications with a pure heart. I will continue to do pictures for friends who may not be able to afford it otherwise or simply because they are friends. I will write about our days the way I see fit. I will continue to be honest, because honesty is my favourite. The thought of writing without concern for comments, stats, “impressing” potential clients, writing prospects, or income is oh so liberating, I must say.
I hinted earlier in the week that I keep coming back to the truth that my time is better off spent saving us money rather than making it. I can plan our meals and make as much as possible from scratch. I can focus on being a homeschooling mama who sneaks veggies into our favourite foods. I can plan a pantry and fill it with food from our own garden. I can keep our finances in order and hang laundry to dry. I can keep the home fires burning, love and teach our children, and know that this is enough. I am aware that this isn’t for everyone, but it is for me and it isn’t meant to be insulting to anyone who chooses differently. Even on the longest of weeks, leaving my kids to work in the real world doesn’t appeal to me at all. I can be a new age homemaker, a radical homemaker if you will, and leave the guilt on the side of the road.
Are you starting to understand why I am the feather of “feather + anchor”? I don’t think I am quite as flaky as I appear in this space, but I am aware my ideas and direction do seem to be tied to a feather in the wild wind at times. I am constantly thinking, analyzing, and processing. I will have full blown conversations in my head and then blurt something out to Mike expecting him to know what I am talking about. I can assure you my head is a busy place where everything is carefully weighed out, though it may not appear that way to an outside observer.
Things to remember in 2013:
I am enough
My work is important
Spend less money and more time
Eat these young days up
Stop apologizing for who I am and how I do things
Try again
Repeat the sounding joy
And of course,
go gently + be wonderful
e.
earth’s best sundays + day six of 365
fresh snow
lots of treats for the chickens
a good day spent with dear friends
homemade Jamaican patties
lemon cake
wild play
a mini snowman
a romp in the woods
guitar by the fire
warm cocoa
nice chats
home again
go gently + be wonderful
e.
Also posted in 365 photo project, earth's best sundays, life, our cabin, photography + writing
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with a heavy + grateful heart
This task has been hanging over us for some time now. We knew when we bought these chicks from Andrew and Kira back in June that we would be putting the roosters in our freezer. They had a happy and natural life in every way. They free ranged by day and roosted in a large coop by night. Aside from the odd game of harmless chase with the children and dogs, they were free to be chickens. Because they had lots of space they very rarely even picked fights with each other. It really was a good life punctuated with a not so great final 30 seconds.
Andrew and Kira had offered to show us (by that I mean Mike) the process they use. They arrived early, we chatted, sipped coffee while the kids played on the ice and followed our tame outdoor rabbit Sugarfoot, and then proceeded to get ready. I thought I would stay away entirely, but decided at the last minute to watch the process. It ended up being Kira doing the task and the teaching. There is something comforting to me about a woman doing the job. She is a calm and gentle soul and it gave me an even deeper sense of peace with the whole process. Once the ball was rolling, the task went quickly and Mike told me later that Kira makes for wonderful teacher.
Poppy was a bit confused, but we took turns explaining what was happening in the simplest terms possible. She seemed to understand to some extent and innocently said to me “No, you can’t eat animals, that’s yucky”. Silas took that time to have a complete melt down so I took our kids inside for a snack where we checked on things from the window from time to time.
I was relieved when it was all over and now that we have 7 chickens in our freezer neither of us have an appetite for chicken. I remember my dad telling me about my Gramma not being able to eat her chickens for quite some time after processing them herself. I guess we just feel it proper to give it a window of grace. A moment of quiet gratitude. A moment to process our own emotions. A moment to allow it to cross some arbitrary threshold where it becomes meat rather than a living, breathing creature that once grazed on our land. Mike was a bit quiet and reserved for the remainder of the day, perhaps processing his first experience with killing something himself.
My issue is not in this method of raising and killing animals ourselves, but more with the bigger question of if I should be eating meat at all. I came to the realization that if I am to eat meat, I am responsible for the death of an animal regardless of whose hands do the deed. To send them away or to buy from the conventional market simply makes it easier for me to continue with the easy disconnect. That being said, if it were left to me and me alone, I would not eat meat again and wouldn’t find it to be a grave hardship. I have always struggled with eating meat on a personal level and this practice has brought me face to face with that issue; just as having a responsible, respectful organic beef farmer for a father and a responsible, respectful hunter for a step father has done throughout my entire life. I believe that chickens and other animals are capable of forming bonds and “friendships”; they know the primal sense of pleasure of warming themselves in the sun; they break off into their own groups and have roosting buddies; comforting bonds if you will. It may be on a primal level, but just because they cannot contemplate these bonds and attachments, doesn’t mean they don’t occur.
The Hoff and the ladies laid low under the cedar tree for the remainder of the day. Usually Mike shuts the coop door each night, but that night I went out to say goodnight and thank you. The 4 Barred Rock ladies were sitting on one roost while the 5 Wyandottes sat on a much higher roost. The Hoff sat alone and alert on his own looking a little disoriented. He watched me cautiously as I talked in a soft voice. I told him I needed him to remain a gentleman and he curiously cocked his head and looked me in the eye. I hoped we had reached an understanding and so far he has held up his end of the bargain. I went out again a little later just to look in the window and he had snuggled right in with the older girls on their roost. I was glad for that.
This way of doing things isn’t for everyone, nor is it emotionally easy, but for us, it is right. When I think of how conventional meat ends up on the table the decision is easier. This was not something we took lightly. We are grateful for the meat, we are grateful for organic farming parents and friends who help and support us so fully along this path we are choosing.
go gently + be wonderful
e,
Also posted in celebration, ellenberger organic farm, family, frugal living, homesteading, life, wellness
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an hour in the day in the life of
damn dog
All of my furniture looks a bit like this...
Pulling EVERYTHING out of their toybox while I do damage control in the other corners of the house
Sitting on the stove with a cheese grater trying to pry open the bottle of vitamins
I never thought I would be one of those greasy pony tailed moms, and yet here we are. That aint product ladies and gentlemen.
Where do you figure all that apple peel is going? Why it is in a little pile at my feet of course.
Annnnnnnd, he's out.
Just in case you forgot, I don’t have all my shit together.
This morning I woke to find that the dog had tried to pull the homemade bunting garland off our tree sometime in the night. I looked over and he was laying on his bed, clearly exhausted from being up all night. Thankfully we had the foresight to anchor that shit to the wall or I am sure it would have been much worse than cockeyed and disheveled.
Before I had kids I would read blogs and articles about the insanity of motherhood and the peanut butter smeared on every imaginable surface and I thought I would be different. “Oh no!” I told myself. “I will be pretty and fit and always always shave my legs. I will never, ever give them sugar or processed foods. My house will be clean and perpetually smell like apple pie. Oh and I shall knit all their clothes and let them play only with homemade wooden toys.” Yeah, I was a douche bag. It wasn’t my fault really. I know friends and family members who have no kids are thinking the same thing when the read this stuff and witness it first hand. I just bite my tongue when I feel the urge to enlighten them.
I never thought I would be the frazzled looking mom with the greasy pony tail buying stupid toys because I just don’t want to deal with the meltdown. And yet, here we are. I can’t recall the last time I washed my hair. Monday maybe? Wait, what day is it anyway? I never thought my body would ever be this doughy. The other night I was going through old photos and I realized a few things; 1) just how much I had neglected my eyebrow manicuring since Silas was born; 2) I had no idea what a messy house was back then; 3) how perfectly wonderful my pre baby body was (yeah, the same one I loved to loathe back in the day) and 4) what the hell did we do with all our spare time and energy?!
Fast forward to today, and it would appear that Huck and kids are in cahoots to make me mental. After nearly four years of being a mom, I am still astounded by the damage they can do in very short periods of time. Every time I take 15 minutes to do something that isn’t perpetual sweeping, picking up, or tidying, any semblance of order quickly dissolves. It is ridiculous. I know my attempts are futile, but if I were to stop, I am quite sure our house would look like an episode of Hoarders in about 48 hours.
I am certain our children are no different than any others in their mess making abilities, though I like to believe they are rather gifted in this category. They paint windows and tables with their food and leave trails and piles of apple peel in every imaginable place. I have a pile of dirt, fur, glitter, cereal, and paper in the corner that I feel isn’t worth my while to pick up with the dustpan until it resembles a small mammal. What is the point, a new pile is only an hour away.
I brush Poppy’s hair at least once, if not twice per day, but you would never know it. It resists order just as much my two children do. I fold blankets and stack them on a chair to place in a cupboard only to turn around and see that someone has efficiently flipped them off and unfolded them while I was changing a diaper, sopping up spilled milk, or filling a snack request. I clean one side of the front room while they pull the opposite side apart. And so goes my day.
I’d like to get out more, but that is a feat in and of itself. Even when they are strapped into a double wide jogging stroller with books, toys, drinks, and snacks the demands are endless and I can’t fit through most store doors or aisles anyway. I always think I am going to be uber productive, but my nerves (and therefore, my brain functioning) are usually shot after about an hour or two.
I am a rumpled mess 98% of the time and I sometimes fantasize about what we would do if we didn’t have kids, but then I remember the wise words of my very favourite comedian Louis CK, “What the hell is an adult without kids? What’s the point?”. Someday my house will be quiet and orderly and my brain functions will return to normal and I know I will get weepy just thinking of their sweet little jam covered faces and the way they smell after a bath in their fresh jammies. My only hope is that they give me loads of grand kids, visit often and forgive my parenting blunders.
Until then, I have a glittery creature in the corner to either name or dispose of and a toddler who has unraveled a spool of thread and needs detangling.
Also posted in family, life, our cabin
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